


The Godfather (Or Mother!)

by minnie_mcgee



Series: And They Were Roommates (Oh My God, They Were Roommates) [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Canon Divergence - Post-Hogwarts, Everyone Is Gay, Family Dynamics, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Not Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Compliant, but like found family, cat shenanigans, gay brunch, harry and pansy are really extra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:53:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27590960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minnie_mcgee/pseuds/minnie_mcgee
Summary: Now that Harry and Pansy are platonic co-parents of a child--ahem, a cat--they need to appoint a godfather (or mother!), just in case something should ever happen to them.But who?
Relationships: Draco Malfoy & Pansy Parkinson & Blaise Zabini, Hermione Granger & Draco Malfoy & Pansy Parkinson & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley & Blaise Zabini, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger & Neville Longbottom & Luna Lovegood & Harry Potter & Ginny Weasley & Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom & Luna Lovegood & Ginny Weasley, Pansy Parkinson & Harry Potter, Probably - Relationship, Ron Weasley/Blaise Zabini, just- all of them are friends, maybe
Series: And They Were Roommates (Oh My God, They Were Roommates) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979542
Kudos: 23





	1. Platonic Co-Parents (...of a Cat)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this like two weeks ago and wasn't sure about it, but I'm sick of just having it lie there and not doing anything with it, so here.
> 
> Just a note, in case you've read The Therapy Fic™: there is no link between the two.

“Harry and I are platonic co-parents,” Pansy announces to the soundtrack of the Lion King.

Harry nods solemnly, holding Tom up to the single light emanating from his phone which they’d strategically placed on the cat tree so that the light would fall directly onto this spot. Tom yawns.

“…Of a _cat._ ” Ginny looks at them weird from her spot on the floor.

“Yes,” both Harry and Pansy say at the same time.

“Well, that’s…nice?” Neville tries, but it’s clear he’s just kind of confused.

“You called us here to tell us you got a cat?” Blaise stops unashamedly staring at Ron to ask, incredulous.

“We already knew,” says Luna. “Didn’t you see the _Prophet_?”

“Oh guys, he’s so cute!” Hermione exclaims, getting up to pet under his chin.

Harry gives Pansy a pointed look, which she sneers at.

“I came all the way to _Molehill_ "--he shudders--"so you could show us your _cat_?” Draco says.

“We didn’t call you here to tell you we got a cat!” Harry says, exasperated. He puts Tom down, and Hermione follows, cooing at him and rubbing his cheeks. "What's wrong with Molehill?"

“Yes,” Pansy sighs, turning the lights back on and cutting the music, “unfortunately we saw the _Prophet_.”

“Oh, that reminds me! Congrats on your marriage, mate.” Ron smirks at Harry, who kicks him gently in the shin as he grabs his phone off the tree. Pansy huffs.

The reason Harry and Pansy had gathered all of their friends in their living room was because they wanted to decide who to entrust the care of their child—ahem, their _cat_ —to, if something should happen to them.

Draco was Pansy’s first choice, but Harry had reminded her of Draco’s love for his peacocks, and Tom’s love for killing birds.

“Oh, come on, that doesn’t matter,” Pansy rolled her eyes, walking into the kitchen with more dirty plates. “He’s our son, so Draco would love him, even if he killed a chicken or two.”

“A peacock,” Harry corrected, leaning up to put the ketchup back in its place. “And no, he wouldn’t.” Harry paused what he was doing, “Hell, I don’t think Draco would still love _us_ if we killed one of his peacocks.”

Harry’s first choice was Ron (when is it not?), but Pansy had pointed out Ron’s hatred for Crookshanks.

“He only hated him because of Scabbers!” Harry exclaimed, following her as she did the laundry.

“That’s not true, because”—Pansy dumps a bunch of wet clothes in Harry’s arms—“even after Third Year, Weasley _still_ hated him. Don’t you remember that time in the Great Hall? When he threw a chicken wing at him?”

“For the last time, he was not aiming at Crookshanks!”

Then they’d considered Luna, but Luna travelled a _lot_.

“She can take him with her!” Harry insisted, yelling to be heard over the hoover.

Pansy sighed and turned it off. “Not every country allows cats in just like that!” 

“She’s a witch! She can just…go around the law.”

“Harry!” Pansy gasped as if she hadn't _Obliviated_ the landlord into forgetting they were overdue on their rent not twenty minutes earlier (Sleekeazy's isn't doing so well these days).

“What? You do illegal things all the time!”

“That’s different!”

“How?!”

They’d thought about Blaise, but Blaise is too self-absorbed.

There was no argument about that one, it’s just the truth.

Hermione had been their next idea. But she already has 5 cats.

“That doesn’t mean she won’t still love Tom,” Harry said.

“But she won’t have time for him!” Pansy replied, grabbing a box of strawberries off of the shelf. She held them up for him to inspect, and he shook his head.

“She already knows how to take care of cats, so it just makes sense.”

“What if he doesn’t get on with the other cats? Her flat is too small for him to have his own space.” She picked up a different box. "These ones?"

“Those are fine." Pansy grabs another two boxes. "Also--Hermione’s smart, she’d work it out!”

“Oh speaking of which—she’s always working. She won’t have time to give him everything he needs.” 

They moved into the next aisle, and Pansy examined their list, before trying in vain to reach the toilet paper on the top shelf. "Grab two packs of those, would you?"

“She has time for _her_ cats." He hands her both packs, and she puts them in the trolley.

“Have you seen her place? Her cats practically run the place! All of her furniture is scratched, do you really want to send our _son_ into that _war zone_?”

Then they’d thought about Neville, but Neville’s track record with Trevor doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.

“Oh, come on, Pansy!” Harry paused to unstick Tom’s claws from the sofa for the third time in the past two minutes. “Tom is, like, 6 times Trevor’s size. He won’t lose him.”

“Are you really willing to take that chance, Harry?”

Their final idea had been Ginny, but Ginny was more of a dog person.

“That doesn’t mean that she won’t still love him,” Pansy said, handing Harry the potato she’d just peeled.

Harry sighs, “But their lifestyles are incompatible. She’s always out and getting exercise, and he’s a lazy little thing.”

“Shh!” Pansy slaps his arm, looking around the room in alarm. “Don’t say that he might hear you!”

“He knows I love him, but it’s true!”

In the end, they decided they had to see them all interact with Tom to see who would be the best fit. But this is a test, so they can’t tell them that.

“We invited you here to have brunch,” Harry says. “It said so on the invitation, didn’t you read it?”

“Yes, but what is the brunch _for_?” Draco asks.

“Wh—do we have to have a reason to want to see our family?” Pansy asks.

“Yes,” Draco says. “You can’t just have brunch for no reason. It’s—it’s…it just doesn’t work like that!”

“You never just…get together with your family just because you want to see them?” Ron asks, eyebrows furrowed.

“No!”

“…That’s kind of fucked, mate.”

Hermione, finally off the floor, interrupts the fight that was surely about to start, “I think it’s lovely that you’re so excited about Tom!”

“Thank you, Hermione,” Harry smiles.

“Of course _you_ do,” Blaise rolls his eyes.

“I think it’s sweet too,” Neville says. “And Tom is _adorable_.”

“Thank you, Neville!” Harry looks pointedly at Pansy and she glares at him. Again.

“What kind of a name is Tom for a cat, anyway?” Ginny asks.

“Well, we didn’t name him, did we?” Pansy snaps.

“Ooh, touchy.” Ginny rolls her eyes. “Why don’t you just change it?”

Harry, Pansy, and Hermione all gasp.

“ _Change_ it?!” Harry exclaims. “That’s his _name_. We can’t just _change_ it.”

“He would be so confused!” Hermione chimes in, horrified.

“It’s all he knows!” Pansy cries.

“Oh, I see why you’ve brought us here now!” Draco exclaims, sitting up.

“You do?” Harry asks, and he and Pansy exchange a nervous look.

“Yes. You’ve brought us here so we can bear witness to your joint descent into madness!”

Pansy glares at him while Harry heaves a deep sigh.

Their friends may be arseholes, but at least they don’t know they’re being tested yet.


	2. It Takes A Village (He's A Cat)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The brunch is really not going the way Pansy and Harry had intended.

Luna and Neville are having a great time discussing the best plants to use in a Wolfsbane Potion to improve efficiency. They’re getting along very well, and seem to be on the brink of a major discovery that would change the lives of werewolves everywhere.

The rest of the table, however…

Well, Hermione is crying over her job again (she works in government, so it’s kind of expected at this point), Ron is trying desperately to comfort her but not getting very far; Pansy and Blaise are arguing heatedly about whether or not Celestina Warbeck is a lesbian, and Draco is egging them on because he lives for the drama; Harry and Ginny are arguing over who was the better partner in their relationship and occasionally throwing food at each other.

But Luna and Neville are happy, so it averages out! Kind of.

A cupcake that was aimed at Harry misses, hitting Blaise in the chest, and smearing frosting all over his designer shirt. Blaise gasps like he’s been shot, and jumps from the table, his argument with Pansy forgotten. The table goes silent.

“You _bitch_!” he screams. “That was new!” He picks up a slice of the fruit cake Hermione had slaved over for hours to make (she had to have a few tries before it came out, well, edible) and launches it right into Ginny’s face. Hermione cries harder.

Ginny jumps up, brushing off Harry when he tries to stop her, grabs a stick of butter with her bare hand, runs around the table to Blaise (who is attempting to now hide behind the chair, an expression of pure terror on his face) and smears the butter all over his shirt. Blaise lets out a quiet, agonised whine as he pulls the sticky fabric away from his skin. 

They fall to the floor, wrestling and occasionally screaming at each other, and Draco leans across the table to watch, a grin on his face. In an attempt to get her to stop crying, Ron has started feeding Hermione her own fruit cake. It backfires, because — to quote Hermione — “this is the worst fucking fruit cake I’ve ever had!”

Harry and Pansy share a look across the table. They’re never going to figure out who should be Tom’s godparent at this rate. They’d forgotten what meals together in their family were like, it’s been so long since the last one.

But Pansy is nothing if not stubborn. “OI!” She yells. Everything stops, even Hermione’s sobs. “Everyone sit down and shut up!”

“But my _shirt_ ,” Blaise whines. Pansy glares at him and he heaves a sigh, but goes to sit down. Everyone else follows suit.

Harry clears his throat awkwardly, avoiding eye contact with Ginny, “Now that everyone’s—wait, where are Luna and Neville?”

Everyone turns their eyes to the end of the table where Luna and Neville should have been, but the chairs were empty.

You see, last year, Draco threw a dinner party for Hermione after her promotion. All seemed to be going surprisingly well until a simple comment Hermione made about the color of Pansy’s dress led to a three-day-long feud between her, Pansy, Draco, and Harry and Blaise, Ginny, and Ron — that Luna and Neville had to mediate.

They didn’t much fancy having to do the same again, so they’d left to the living room after the first cupcake was thrown at Blaise.

Harry sighs. “Can someone go and get them, please?” Ginny silently obeys. The room is left in awkward silence until the three return. They sit down and everyone turns back to Harry. “Good, we’re all here. Look, the thing is, we didn’t actually ask you here just for brunch—”

Pansy’s eyes widened, “Harry!” She hissed.

“I knew it,” Draco whispered to himself.

Harry sighs again, “Pansy, come on. We might as well tell them. I mean, we’re really not getting very far like this.”

“Well, we’re not going to get _anywhere_ if we tell them!”

“We were testing you!” Harry blurts out. Pansy gapes at him.

The table is silent. Hermione, looking like she’s on the verge of crying again, asks, “Testing us…on what?”

Pansy groans and covers her face with her hands so she doesn’t have to see the looks on their faces. “We were trying to pick the perfect godparent for Tom, and we didn’t know who to pick.”

“Godparent?” Ginny asks, eyebrows furrowed. “What would a cat need a godparent for? He can’t do magic.”

“No, not that kind of godparent!” Harry exclaims, exasperated.

“You were trying to decide who to give Tom to if something happened to you, weren’t you?” Hermione asks.

“Yes,” Pansy admits.

There’s another long silence. It’s hard to tell what their friends are thinking. Are they offended? Confused? Concerned about their sanity (more than usual)?

Harry and Pansy love all of their friends, and that’s really the problem. They tried to find reasons not to send Tom to each of their friends because they needed to narrow it down to one person, but how could they, when all of their friends would be perfect for the job?

Yes, it's true that Ron had a weird feud with Crookshanks, but it’s also true that Ron is a genuinely kind and good person who would most likely spoil the shit out of Tom.

Draco loves his peacocks, but he would still take in Tom. Malfoy Manor is massive anyway, there’d be space for them to coexist. And he would get Tom the best cat supplies money can buy (because he has loads of it).

Luna does move around a lot, but she absolutely _would_ do something illegal to take Tom with her everywhere she went. And it could be good for him, to see the world, go on adventures. And when they weren’t out and about, Luna would give him so much love.

Neville did use to lose Trevor all the time, but he’s a lot better at taking care of animals now. He hasn’t lost Trevor in years! And he has so many plants and potions, he’d be able to treat Tom for any injuries or diseases or sicknesses or _anything_ that he got.

Hermione does have five cats already, and her job stretches her thin, but if anyone could manage another cat on top of that, it’s her. Plus, she knows everything there is to know about cat care, and she already has all the equipment.

And while it’s true that Ginny is much more athletically inclined than, well, any of them, she also knows how to take it easy and stay at home. And her being out a lot would be just fine for Tom, he knows how to take care of himself.

Blaise may be a massive pain in the arse, and kind of self-absorbed, but he would absolutely take in Tom and give him the most stylish, lavish lifestyle that he could imagine.

So could you blame them for trying to test their friends to see who was the _most_ deserving? They all were! That was the problem!

“Well, who did you decide on, then?” Blaise asks, miffed.

Pansy and Harry share a look. “Well, we haven’t decided on anyone yet,” Harry says.

“You’d _all_ be good godparents,” Pansy says. “We can’t pick.”

“Why _can’t_ we all be godparents?” Luna asks.

“Luna, that makes no sense,” Hermione says, always ready to pick a fight with her.

“Oi!” Ginny yells, always ready to pick a fight with Hermione for picking a fight with Luna.

“Yes it does!” Luna insists, cutting off the argument before it can start. “It takes a village to raise a child.” She nods sagely, despite everyone else giving her weird looks.

“Tom’s not a child, Luna,” Draco rolls his eyes. “These two might treat him like one, but he isn’t one. He’s a cat.”

Harry and Pansy look offended at that, but they don’t say anything, because, well, he’s right.

“Well, how are all of us supposed to take care of him together then?” Ron asks. “I mean, we all live far apart. What, are we gonna…pass him around?”

Harry and Pansy immediately start objecting but are cut off by Neville.

“You two aren’t going anywhere,” he says. Everyone just stares at him. “I mean… you’re not dying anytime soon. You don’t need to think about this.”

“We could die whenever,” Harry says. “I’d know.”

Draco snorts. “You’d probably come back. The Boy Who Lived Thrice.” Everyone at the table cracks a smile at this.

“Maybe you’re right,” Pansy says.

“About… Harry coming back to life again?” Ginny asks, eyebrow raised.

“Wha—no!” Pansy pauses. “Well… probably that too.” She shakes her head to clear her thoughts, “Maybe we don’t need to pick definite godparents just yet.”

“Even if we do die,” Harry says, “I’m sure yous all are perfectly capable of making a decision yourselves.”

“And Tom would be lucky to have any of you as godparents.”

“Well, that’s ever so heartwarming,” Blaise says, “But can we get back to the fight Ginny and I were having? Because this shirt was _really_ expensive.”

Ginny tries to jump over the table again, and the chaos returns.

Harry and Pansy smile at each other across the table, ignoring Ginny attempting to fight both Blaise and Hermione at the same time, Luna cheerfully watching, as Draco and Ron try to stop them all, and Neville trying to get Luna to leave with him again.

Tom's future in the event of Harry and Pansy's deaths is (more or less) going to be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! You can find me on Tumblr @minnieminnieminniemcgee


End file.
